I usually go to bed fairly early, somewhere around 8:30 to 9:00, but not last night. Last night I was wide awake, until well after 10. I scoured Hulu in hopes to find something interesting as I listened to both my husband and dog snore.
Against my better judgement, I decided to log into my work email as a head start for today. Big mistake. As I stared blankly at the screen, I sent a reply then logged out. I stared at the ceiling in the dark and started to pray. I didn’t know what else to do. I just lost one of my key volunteers. This person with a background of many skills that have helped the staff in computer technical issues, financial and government skills, resigned as a volunteer as this person indicated it had evolved into too much.
Knowing that this person was on the verge of burnout, I cried. I have a very, very small staff and rely heavily on volunteers. With the pandemic, my staff just may get smaller. I get little pay for the job that I do but the core staff are salaried while the others hourly.
My husband has watched me over the past couple of years, learning an executive role and putting in countless hours. I have had very little to complain about, despite the non-stop hustle, but this….this key person has pushed me over the edge. The product of burn out will increase my load.
This morning I have been on a search. Not for a new job, but asking God to help me find the way. Since working remotely, I have discovered I don’t want to go back to work. I have enjoyed working from home, taking care of our home, cooking for my husband and not having to rush in the morning. I have enjoyed it far too much. I would never admit this to my husband, as we cannot afford to live on one income. I have worked far too hard to get where I am today and now that I am here, I question my results. Is this stress really worth it? But living in a very small town during a pandemic, I should be beyond thankful by the grace of God my husband and I are still working. Yet, this persistent nag will not leave me alone.
I cried over my coffee this morning, reading Christian blogs, praying, and simply hoping I would find an answer. I know God has a plan for me and I know He will lead me in the right direction. What I don’t know is where that is. Why do I have this nagging sensation? Why can’t it be a simple answer in front of my face so I can say, “Oh yes! Thank you, I see the direction of where I need to go.” But it’s not like that at all.
I think of Proverbs 31, the portrait of the virtuous woman. Oh to set myself up to paint a picture of how I feel I should be. To care for my husband, concurrently with helping others. Can I do both? Is it selfish to want to?
I hope as I continue to pray for answers, I will finally find it. Whatever that may be.