I am in a funk of this weird anxiety. Not the type of anxiety that has the “impending doom”, but the type of anxiety where clutter is overwhelming.
At work, we are preparing for reconstruction of the offices. I have my new desk and file cabinet waiting for use in another area, clutter is everywhere and it is causing me anxiety.
At home I feel I’m in this middle-age funk of my clothing is not satisfying, I don’t want to spend much time cooking and I have piles of paper clutter that needs shredding but my shredder broke and now the paper is overflowing.
If I was a person who smoked (I don’t because it’s disgusting) I would be smoking several packs by now.
Every day I stare at my closet wanting to rid of many things but fear I may miss them. I have done this before and have had regrets. So I spend countless minutes on Pinterest trying to organize my overall life but never actually hold myself accountable.
Every day I stare at my tiny piles of clutter and mumble too myself “there is always tomorrow”. Then curse myself for acting like my mother.
Sigh. I need motivation. I need a plan. I need follow through.
I am hearing many other Hospital Managers on the verge of burn out. I, myself am a Hospital Manager and know what the position entails and can empathize with colleagues.
The burnout feeling is real. All too real. I remind my staff, my colleagues and Doctors to pick and choose their battles. Fighting every little thing that gets thrown their way will drive them down a significant path to hell.
I’ve been there. Last year in the hands of another employer, at the beginning of the pandemic, I hit a wall and my head snapped off. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breathe, I just simply uncontrollably sobbed and was placed on a mandatory 2 week vacation.
Out of those two weeks, it took me almost a full week to come down off my hell high and sleep a full nights sleep. The shaking stopped, the odd buzzing through my body stopped and I started my self recovery of reflection within my life.
My burnout was not the cause of being over worked. It was the cause of an emotional and physical drift into a world unknown. I had to work from home and a majority of my staff had to be laid off.
I was devastated.
My soul, my very life of being social and coaching and the buzz of the office and events were gone. I couldn’t handle it. My memory started slipping. I was lonely. Every conversation was through a computer screen.
After months of self reflection and looking into many positions, I landed the position back in a hospital environment. Two weeks in, my memory started coming back. I was sleeping again.
What I realized is that I am made to work amongst the organized chaos. I thrive in it. Every weekend is not long enough and every Friday I’m exhausted. But every Monday I am so happy to be back in the environment.
Know the signs of burnout and step back. Self-care is so important.
I hear you and others are watching. But it is you who makes the choices. I am asking that you choose self-care and take care of you. The battles will still continue upon your arrival, but you will be stronger.
My sister and I took my mother out to her storage unit to purge some things. We barely made a dent in the two hours we were there and it was by far frustrating.
I realized my sister has far more patience than I do. Our mother hangs on to things that she hasn’t touched in years. Half of the items she has either forgotten about, or it strikes up a memory, or she swears she “might use it some day”
Mother is having significant difficulty letting things go. Ever time my sister or I would hold something up, our mother would say “keep”. I have been coaxing my mom for a little over a year to let go of these things.
She just won’t let go.
I understand it’s hard for her because those material items are her memories but those things have been in storage for so long she can’t remember what she even has. And what is really hard is trying to be productive without her taking a 10 minute trip down memory lane.
What is also hard for us kids, is that she struggles monthly on a fixed income and tells us about her struggles but will religiously make those high storage payments.
Every time she tells me of a money struggle, I tell her she’d have the extra money if she would clean out her storage and she tells me the same line each time, “I know, but you have to understand those are your dad’s and I memories, 50 years worth!”
Defeated each time. And each time she feels overwhelmed. Yet she continues to talk about how she needs to clean out the storage but she needs help doing it. It is a vicious cycle.
After my father had passed away several years ago, I realized for myself that I didn’t want to hang on to meaningless material things. Especially if they are packed away. I decided to really clean things out in my own home and it felt great. However I still have a few bins in the garage that I want to purge but my husband keeps telling me no and it’s frustrating because it’s mostly my stuff. So it continues to sit in the garage. At least it’s organized.
Just like the leaves in the fall, our habits change, our tastes change. We mature, we grow and we move on. We feel fresh and alive with change, with the seasons.
We accept the change of the seasons, from summer to fall to winter to spring. So why is it difficult to accept the change of decluttering? We are not meant to be bound by the stresses of clutter.
The freedom of letting go from a clutter prison feels refreshing, almost magical.
Friday is here at last although I will probably end up working from home this weekend. I keep a running to do this for work and this week was full of interruptions.
Because of all of the interruptions, I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Literally. Honestly this morning when I was writing out my list and going over the prior days lists, I could feel a panic attack developing. Well, the two large cups of strong coffee (the kind that could grow hair on your chest) probably didn’t help…
I have gotten better over the years in talking myself out of a panic attack, as I did this morning. Deep breathe, deep breathe, deep breathe. I remembered I am only one person and if I stay focused despite the interruptions, things will get done…eventually.
So happy Friday, may you have a relaxing weekend and here’s to you and all your dedication and hard work!
I’ve really been diving into my artwork lately and stepping out of my comfort zone by using vivid colors or explicit detail. It is requiring much more patience but keeps my mind occupied.
In addition to this, I’ve reconnected to friends on FB, not really wanting to, but doing so to have the ability of marketing for my job. It’s been lovely to see the familiar faces and pictures of family.
There really isn’t much going on right now, sad to say and I certainly don’t have anything exciting to report.
I don’t have any close friends but two. My best friend whom I’ve grown up with doesn’t live in the area. My other friend is a guy and he is really funny but if I dare to hang out with him “you-know-who” starts making snarky comments and so on and never shuts up. Which is really annoying and since I don’t want to hear it, I limit my time with my friend through texting. This however still causes tidal waves of crap but too bad.
I hope you all have a wonderful week and if I experience anything remotely exciting, you’ll be the first to know!
The picture below is me getting ready for a new painting technique I’ve been wanting to try. What a mess! I’m pretty much over it.
What are you thankful for today? I am thankful to not only be working, but working with many wonderful people!
My weekend was not as relaxing as I had hoped, but I did manage to get some painting done. I started a new project, first time a fail but that is okay I will be doing round two this next Saturday. Have a great week and let the sun shine on your day!
I hope your morning is full of happy thoughts, grateful prayers and kind words.
Yesterday afternoon it was dumping snow here in the PNW but at least at my home, it wasn’t sticking much. But wet, melted snow means a thin layer of ice to consider.
What to do when stuck indoors? I didn’t do much! I read a little bit, played a game, looked at Pinterest and made peanut butter truffles.
My truffles are such a hit that I was thinking I should start sending them out randomly to friends. Of course it would require a bit of planning but I could probably manage it.
Who doesn’t like getting gifts in the mail? I would plan to send a box of truffles with a small piece of artwork!
Giving to others makes me happy. It is one thing I truly enjoy doing and I never expect anything in return. By giving, no matter what it may be, can impact someone at that very moment. Sometimes you never know what a person is going through. Small tokens of kind words and or gifts can lift a person’s spirit up.
Enjoy your day today, even if it is filled with many “nothings”.
My dogs are quite the funny characters in their senior ages.
All I wanted was an image for my work website with the three of us. My big dog would not behave making random faces to avoid sitting still.
She despises getting her picture taken. She will do anything to avoid the camera.
At one point I thought I could reason with her.
But needless to say it didn’t work to my advantage. She used to take wonderful pictures when she was a pup. She would sit so still as though she was being painted for a portrait. Maybe she doesn’t like her gray hair?
I can’t help but laugh at her silly responses. When she had enough of me she thought she’d distract me further by kisses.
I think pets are put on this earth to keep us humans filled with love and humor. Especially in those serious moments.