Questioning the Unquestionable

I usually go to bed fairly early, somewhere around 8:30 to 9:00, but not last night. Last night I was wide awake, until well after 10. I scoured Hulu in hopes to find something interesting as I listened to both my husband and dog snore.

Against my better judgement, I decided to log into my work email as a head start for today. Big mistake. As I stared blankly at the screen, I sent a reply then logged out. I stared at the ceiling in the dark and started to pray. I didn’t know what else to do. I just lost one of my key volunteers. This person with a background of many skills that have helped the staff in computer technical issues, financial and government skills, resigned as a volunteer as this person indicated it had evolved into too much.

Knowing that this person was on the verge of burnout, I cried. I have a very, very small staff and rely heavily on volunteers. With the pandemic, my staff just may get smaller. I get little pay for the job that I do but the core staff are salaried while the others hourly.

My husband has watched me over the past couple of years, learning an executive role and putting in countless hours. I have had very little to complain about, despite the non-stop hustle, but this….this key person has pushed me over the edge. The product of burn out will increase my load.

This morning I have been on a search. Not for a new job, but asking God to help me find the way. Since working remotely, I have discovered I don’t want to go back to work. I have enjoyed working from home, taking care of our home, cooking for my husband and not having to rush in the morning. I have enjoyed it far too much. I would never admit this to my husband, as we cannot afford to live on one income. I have worked far too hard to get where I am today and now that I am here, I question my results. Is this stress really worth it? But living in a very small town during a pandemic, I should be beyond thankful by the grace of God my husband and I are still working. Yet, this persistent nag will not leave me alone.

I cried over my coffee this morning, reading Christian blogs, praying, and simply hoping I would find an answer. I know God has a plan for me and I know He will lead me in the right direction. What I don’t know is where that is. Why do I have this nagging sensation? Why can’t it be a simple answer in front of my face so I can say, “Oh yes! Thank you, I see the direction of where I need to go.” But it’s not like that at all.

Image by Robin Moreau

I think of Proverbs 31, the portrait of the virtuous woman. Oh to set myself up to paint a picture of how I feel I should be. To care for my husband, concurrently with helping others. Can I do both? Is it selfish to want to?

I hope as I continue to pray for answers, I will finally find it. Whatever that may be.

With love,

Robin

Growing Up Christian

I remember when I was a little girl, maybe about 8 years old, the very moment Jesus called me to Him. I remember sitting in the pew at church on a Sunday morning, minding my own business, when suddenly I just had the urge to get up out of my seat.

I remember the urge being so strong, that when scooted along sideways toward the aisle and tried to surpass my mother, she blatantly said, “where do you think you’re going?” What I don’t remember, was my response to her, nor how I managed to get past her. But what I do remember is that she was NOT going to stop me.

As I walked up the aisle toward the Pastor, all eyes were on me and I could hear whispers and tiny gasps. I knew what Jesus was up to and no one was going to stop me. I was on a mission and so boldly told the Pastor that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, when he bent town to hear what I had to say.

I envy those who have those callings as an adult. I am not saying I never have them anymore. But what I am saying is I crave them. Crave the direction I clearly remember having as a child. It appeared black and white then, which now, seems more gray. I envy those who get called to mission, those who get called to teach the Bible in a variety of ways. Where is my calling again?

I started going back to church. Believe or not, I actually work for a church, but it is not a church of Christians, it is Unitarians. Not that there is anything wrong with their beliefs, but it is just not my belief. Finding a job in a church is difficult to do. I pray to give me the strength not let some upset me because our beliefs don’t align. I pray for strength to get me through the day. What I am thankful for, is their beliefs are filled with love and I have never experienced a place where so many people do what is right for the community and for each other.

As I was reading the Bible this morning, 1 Corinthians 15: 54-58, 58 states, “Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you now that your labor in the Lord is not vain”. Is this my calling? It doesn’t feel like it, but also when I finished reading, I noticed to the right of the page, at some point in my life, I highlighted the words in chapter 16: 14, “Do everything in love”. Maybe this is what I am called to do? Live my life through love no matter what others’ beliefs are. What I do know, is if this is not my landing place, I am sure Jesus will let me know when the time is right.

In the meantime, I persevere in a gray world, not the ever-so-clear black and white I remember as a child, and I persevere the best I can with love. Sometimes I grumble about it and I am far from perfect. But I guess I am only human.

With love,

Robin

A Moment

It’s amazing how quickly our daily routines can be turned over to something unexpected. I have been working remotely for exactly three days now, not including the weekend, since the Covid-19 outbreak. It is hitting me harder than I thought.

I am a social person in terms of loving the everyday hustle of work, errands, interruptions and family. But since being confined to my home, and working through conference calls and emails I am more anxious, annoyed and short-tempered than ever before.

My only thought in saving myself is turning to prayer, trusting God and diving into my artwork as an outlet. This blog is my story, another outlet for reaching out and grasping at any social life I can. This truly is a test  from the good Lord above of how I deal with isolation, confined to my home.