Let It Go

I am in a funk of this weird anxiety. Not the type of anxiety that has the “impending doom”, but the type of anxiety where clutter is overwhelming.

At work, we are preparing for reconstruction of the offices. I have my new desk and file cabinet waiting for use in another area, clutter is everywhere and it is causing me anxiety.

At home I feel I’m in this middle-age funk of my clothing is not satisfying, I don’t want to spend much time cooking and I have piles of paper clutter that needs shredding but my shredder broke and now the paper is overflowing.

If I was a person who smoked (I don’t because it’s disgusting) I would be smoking several packs by now.

Art by Robin Moreau

Every day I stare at my closet wanting to rid of many things but fear I may miss them. I have done this before and have had regrets. So I spend countless minutes on Pinterest trying to organize my overall life but never actually hold myself accountable.

Every day I stare at my tiny piles of clutter and mumble too myself “there is always tomorrow”. Then curse myself for acting like my mother.

Sigh. I need motivation. I need a plan. I need follow through.

I need….

Materialistic Bitterness

My sister and I took my mother out to her storage unit to purge some things. We barely made a dent in the two hours we were there and it was by far frustrating.

I realized my sister has far more patience than I do. Our mother hangs on to things that she hasn’t touched in years. Half of the items she has either forgotten about, or it strikes up a memory, or she swears she “might use it some day”

Mother is having significant difficulty letting things go. Ever time my sister or I would hold something up, our mother would say “keep”. I have been coaxing my mom for a little over a year to let go of these things.

She just won’t let go.

I understand it’s hard for her because those material items are her memories but those things have been in storage for so long she can’t remember what she even has. And what is really hard is trying to be productive without her taking a 10 minute trip down memory lane.

What is also hard for us kids, is that she struggles monthly on a fixed income and tells us about her struggles but will religiously make those high storage payments.

Every time she tells me of a money struggle, I tell her she’d have the extra money if she would clean out her storage and she tells me the same line each time, “I know, but you have to understand those are your dad’s and I memories, 50 years worth!”

Defeated each time. And each time she feels overwhelmed. Yet she continues to talk about how she needs to clean out the storage but she needs help doing it. It is a vicious cycle.

After my father had passed away several years ago, I realized for myself that I didn’t want to hang on to meaningless material things. Especially if they are packed away. I decided to really clean things out in my own home and it felt great. However I still have a few bins in the garage that I want to purge but my husband keeps telling me no and it’s frustrating because it’s mostly my stuff. So it continues to sit in the garage. At least it’s organized.

Just like the leaves in the fall, our habits change, our tastes change. We mature, we grow and we move on. We feel fresh and alive with change, with the seasons.

We accept the change of the seasons, from summer to fall to winter to spring. So why is it difficult to accept the change of decluttering? We are not meant to be bound by the stresses of clutter.

The freedom of letting go from a clutter prison feels refreshing, almost magical.

Try telling that to my mother. Sigh.

Photograph by Robin Moreau

Eyes Wide Shut

My eyes seem to pop open every morning at 2:30. Really? I cannot seem to get out of this trend and I honestly don’t even know how I stay awake, let alone function through work until 5pm.

With added stress of multiple things in my personal life, I am to a point where I am desperate to find the perfect self care regimen to help me stay asleep. I have tried, or at least I think I have, everything.

I am open to suggestions.

I feel like the walking dead lately.

My eyes hurt.

Image by Robin Moreau

I just want to hide under the blanket like my dog and sleep. Although I keep the same schedule daily, eat dinner, an evening walk, hydrate, then 9pm bedtime, 2:30 am wake up is a trend I’m getting annoyed at really quickly.

Happy New Year to me.

Peeve Petting

Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.

1 Corinthians 9:25

I wish life would quit petting my peeves.

The little annoyances that get me worked up in my day so much, I have to pray to Jesus to ask for control of my thoughts and my mouth!

And all of the childhood reminders of what my mother and granny would say to me, come dancing into my head during these peeve petting moments.

“Be careful little mouth what you say”

“If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all”

”Watch your tongue”

Pffft.

Let me say this, I say! Alone I am not, with all of the little peeve petters I’m sure of. Here are some of the pet peeves that drive me bonkers. Laugh if you must! I’m sure we could compare notes.

1. When my dog continuously licks her chops when I’m trying to fall asleep

2. When I’m driving well over the speed limit and have someone whizz by me only to slam on their brakes to turn in front of me. Really? Was that necessary?

3. Continuous interruptions of low priorities when I’m trying to concentrate.

4. When I set my coffee cup down and I can’t remember where it is.

5. When men stare at me at the store and try to strike up small talk and I don’t want to talk and they never seem to get the hint and all I want to do is smack them up the side of the head and tell them to hush their mouths. (My girlfriend would tell me those thoughts are called movie moments).

6. When I write myself a note only to refer to it later and have no idea what it means.

7. When I am unable to locate the note I have written myself to remind me of something later.

8. When I get home from the store only to realize I forgot the most important thing on my list. Or when I get to the store and realize I have forgotten my list.

9. When I’m in my office and the deer look in my window when I least expect it. It’s like having my own little personal stalkers.

10. When I faithfully wear my mask in public due to this pandemic and the public looks at me like I’m from another planet.

And to think these are just a small handful.

I think Jesus really tests my patience. What are your pet peeves? Just like 1 Corinthians 9:25, we are competing for a crown that will last forever. And I deep breathe and hush my mouth. I smile and show kindness, gosh darn it even in the most difficult times. And there are times when I am guilty of losing it. I am human and I am sometimes truly tired and truly cranky and the steamroller kicks in.

Then as I sit and pout or fume, Jesus somehow, in someway, puts his hand on my shoulder and all I can say is, “I know, I know.”